The View From My Seat: Life As A Stay At Home Dad

Four years ago I stepped out of the cockpit and became a stay-at-home dad. My wife was given a great job offer with lots of potential in the midwest that allowed us to spend more time together as a family, as well as be closer to our extended family. I decided I would take a year off to be in my daughter’s life every day, and one year kept rolling into another. Then we had a son. I’ve had a chance to watch how everyone reacts to my very non-traditional role while living in a very traditional and conservative place for over 4 years now. Here are some highlights from the groups of people I deal with most every day:

Stay at home Moms: These are the people I am most likely to see on a daily basis at the pool, park, kids activities, the YMCA, etc. Frankly, the majority of the moms totally ignore me. Except if I bike up to my kids’ favorite park on a weekday, then I immediately draw the attention of the group of moms as being out-of-place — a potential kidnapper or creeper. After unloading two kids out of the trailer behind my bike, they eventually conclude that I’m just a dad. At this point they turn their backs, I pretty much become invisible, and they go back to excitedly talking about whatever the latest boutique fitness club is. Every once in a while, I get variations on this charity comment: “Your wife trusted you with TWO kids?!?” As if only they are capable of keeping a couple mini-humans alive. It’s hard, but it’s not that hard. Sometimes I think this is a defense mechanism for SAHM’s in a world where so many of their classmates went out into the workforce. So yes, my wife trusted me to feed and care for BOTH kids. Then she got on her company’s private jet and flew to a meeting at the White House to help set national policy on food production. But hey, don’t let me keep you from that really dramatic story about how many calories you burned in your workout class.

That said, a small percentage of SAHM’s, maybe 20% of them, are super friendly and treat me really awesome. I think they appreciate the fact that there are men out there who understand firsthand the child-specific bullshit they deal with every day. Plus I really appreciate getting to have a conversation with an adult who isn’t getting paid to talk to me, like the check-out person at the grocery store…

Dads: As far as I can tell, dads don’t treat me any different. Thats because dads don’t spend a lot of time talking about parenting or work when they get together anyway. Your typical dad’s brain thinks just like the slogan from Buffalo Wild Wings: “Wings. Beer. Sports.” We are talking about what cut of meat is going on the smoker this weekend, and last night’s big game. If anything, I think most dads are a little bit jealous, because they assume I get to play Playstation all day.

Retired Grandparents: I regularly run into older retired folks in the form of grandparents taking kids to various activities. They came from a generation where pretty much without question, the man went out and worked, while “the missus” stayed home with the kids and did the cooking. So my very existence is somewhat unnatural and perplexing to many of them. When you explain to them what you do, you typically get one of two reactions:

• They make a slightly confused face accompanied by a short “Oh.” I can only speculate here, but I would guess that I’d get the same reaction if I told them I was gay and married to a man.
• Their other favorite response is “Good for you!!!!!” The tone and inflection of this response is one that I assume they normally reserve for when one of their toddler grandchildren proudly declares that he pooped on the potty all by himself.

Thanks. It’s hard to believe I can get so little respect from a group of people who have just as much trouble controlling their bladder as my 3 year old.

There is an old saying, “A pilot who’s not complaining, is a pilot who’s not happy.” I do sometimes find this role to be frustrating, but it’s hard to complain too much, even if I do occasionally miss blazing through the sky at 45,000 feet. I know a lot of professional pilots who love their kids just as much as me, but for financial reasons they have no choice but to be on the road three or more weeks out of every month. They miss out on so many milestones in their kids lives. At the end of the day, it’s really a privilege to be able to choose not to miss out on my kids early years. No matter what anybody else thinks.

That’s the view from my seat.